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The Beginning:

He was the youngest in a family of seven; his parents had separated soon after he was born, he was born near the natural springs of Rotorua New Zealand, passed onto friends of the family at birth, but were seen as unfit by the welfare system & he was returned to his birth parents three months later.

His birth family experienced constant problems throughout the next few years due to financial & emotional needs not always being adequately met. The welfare department had taken an interest three months prior to this guy’s birth in the way of family support regarding another member of the family.

During these years he had bonded with his brother a year older then himself, his eldest sister and mother to a certain extent. As kids they all stayed with a minister of the Baptist church for a very short period of time as his mother was and is still dedicated to the church.

He had entered foster care full time in 1984 due to entering a junior school with his brothers and setting it alight; anyway without going into full detail of his ward of state history, he stayed in a total of 2 boy’s homes run by the welfare system & 5 temp foster families from birth.

The feelings he was going through when he first was separated with his brother from his birth family was being confused about what was going on, when would he be going home & could not acknowledge the serious nature of what he had done.

Feelings that followed from this point were complete aloneness, being torn from his birth family, staying in his first temp home. His mother had to make a decision in who she could take back, a decision that came down to taking his brother being a little older; as they mistakenly thought but sore fit, that being as young as he was he’ll be able to adjust to new surroundings.

His brother was sneaked out early hours of the morning while he was still sleeping by social welfare; he woke with that feeling of being separated & ran out of the house to chase the car down the driveway.

The emotions he felt at this very point would freeze time for the rest of his care, in the way of his heart being ripped out and frozen from pain, the pain of sorrow, pain of regret, the pain of helplessness & being alone.

Obviously at this point his temp family feared the repercussions of such an event in his life and he was transferred to a boy’s home from this point, one where he was constantly locked in a sound-proof room on no less than 10-20 occasions without dinner, left alone and forgotten.

How did he feel in new surroundings? he felt lost, he felt alone and depressed that living with people he did not really know nor understand directing how he should go about his life without explaining in detail why!, which led to being socially inadequate, toy deprived, TV deprived, not being able to trust with the likely hood of a life alone and without a family of his own.

Sociological Awareness for Parenting a Welfare Child:

Getting on socially can be a problem to start with, due to the fact of a foster child being kept in a secure environment like boys homes etc. This also comes from not fitting in with social groups or the need to pick-on or hurt those around them, including at schools, self esteem or lack of socially trained skills, which most commonly also lack in sexual knowledge (birds & bees, right from wrong) coming from backgrounds such as this.

Helping a child in-care to overcome such matters is the most important need of all the help equip them for their future. Suggestions in going about this that I can offer are; getting a welfare child involved in clubs such as keas, clubs, scouts, cadets, interest groups, as well as the adventure of experiencing the great outdoors such as hiking, tramping and camping. These are things where the child can learn not only how to mix in with others, but also develop their mental and physical skills at the same time without pressure.

Pressure can cause repercussions such as being constantly defiant, aggressive, not trusting anyone and committing further offenses.

There are times where they are considered to be ‘At Risk’ due to the fact not belonging to anyone, deprived of things and not accepted in their eyes into other families’ structure; so always requiring constant attention in the way of being frenetic, as well as not accepting limits or restrictions.

These are some reasons why children are somewhat distant from the new parents and parents can only escalate the fact by being over loving or in the child’s face constantly trying to get them to talk about their thoughts, feelings or what they are going through or been through.

Welfare children take allot of time to adjust and even more time to grow feeling towards the people they are now living with. You have to give them time, let them come to you to talk about such matters, rather than trying to be their big brother you might say.

By this time a child of the system has built up a protective barrier and they are not going to let it down for long periods of time, so don’t assume that when they do try to fit in and relax that their barrier is going to stay down, nine times out of ten it’s going to go back up at any time things are irregular.

Try not to overwhelm someone that’s not use to it, talk through walls, nor yell or scream at them; never put your hand on them, as they will respond automatically in an aggressive manner immediately or later that could result in you or someone else within the family structure or surrounding being hurt.

A foster child does this to protect them self’s for self preservation (to protect them self’s) and the fact is that in their eyes any advancement they have made in repairing trust has now been reset to the beginning of when they first arrived; you now become someone that the welfare child cannot trust resulting in keeping you at an arms length away.

Another thing, foster parents should be aware of in relation to trust, is not to lie to the foster child when it comes to access visits, meetings, their original family or even what Barnardo’s have asked you to pass on, as most long term foster children at their request get a full comprehensive file once they reach independence coving everything including communications and correspondence. In the welfares eyes they are mainly there for the child and that foster child comes first before anyone else.

Remember that blood is thicker than water, so it does not take much for a child to lose that attachment, as to them you are not their family which is constantly sitting at the back of that child’s mind. It’s not new blood parents they need, it’s a friend without pressure that they can trust and trust not to be disrespectful towards or behind their back.

As a foster parent you need to be able to talk to them like they are someone, be there for whenever they require you, this may be to you as needy but this to the child it reassures them that you are caring and take an interest.

Help them to develop their interpersonal skills by talking about things unrelated to their past and prepare them for their independence by giving them responsibilities.

By giving responsibilities; little bits at a time not to overwhelm them, remembering this can be all new to the child, in-turn this helps the child to become reliable and builds up their confidence in being able to achieve something where they are going to get a compliment for a job well done.

After a while the foster child will be independent enough to be able to take on tasks without supervision via rosters and part time jobs that consist of positive feedback. Remember if they are going wrong don’t up them about it, explain clearly and concise where, how and why it was wrong; correct them by demonstrating the task correctly and confidently.

Showing lack of confidence yourself only gives the welfare child the impression that you have corrected them on something you are not too sure of yourself and you are misleading them. Welfare children tend to grow up faster than standard children in maturity (due to pressure of achieving) and are constantly pretty astute.

The effects of long term foster care can result in many factors relating to being overly hygienic, a lack of or too much sexual appetite, separation disorders that will constantly keep people at an arm’s length. This could affect relationships, sometimes repetitive depression from being alone by choice or anti social behaviour, lack of interaction, even suicide later in life.

On the other side of the coin the benefits’ of long term care tend to be; a strong mind, determination to succeed, early maturity, self independents is something they tend to push for in the ways of having their own space, as well as a drive to assist and help others that are lost, weak or require guidance.

Barnardos’ is a division of social welfare especially designed to cater for children in long term care. They are what you could say big brother to that child for the duration of the foster child’s care in the system to the age of 18 or 21.

The purpose of Barnardos’ is to oversee the design and maintenance of that child’s well-being and to assist foster parents in catering for the child. Whilst doing this Barnardos’ maybe in constant contact with the birth parents of that child, keeping them informed of the progress and involving them in decisions’ as they arise.

Barnardos’ have full in-depth plans when it comes to the designed structure for a foster parent to follow, catering to the development of the foster child’s mental and physical being for their future.

To go about this when the child first comes into care of Social Welfare and Barnardos’ they are examined sociologically to establish their needs. A child then is assessed on a yearly bases to establish their progression and to outline areas that need to be concentrated on the most, by the foster parents as well as a progression report may be passed on to the birth parents.

So if you are a foster parent or temp please don’t make life difficult for either Social Welfare or Barnardos’, they are there to help, they also know what they are doing. Don’t feel that having to go to meetings or having interviews with the child’s worker as a waste of time or a chore, you are there to work with them with the best interest in the child in mind.

Also don’t send emails or letters to the welfare children’s birth parents without welfare viewing it first, this does not help anyone, nor do you as a foster parent have access to the full details of that child’s birth families history.

Barnardos’ website www.barnardos.org.au or www.barnardos.org.nz can help you as the foster parent in materials or support under ‘Welfare Support’ as well as help the foster child under ‘After Care’ once they have their independence which is just as important.

Final Say:

Well I hope this has helped you get an insight of a person that has grown up as a full time ward of the state, on how foster children react, the feelings and troubles that constantly plague them throughout their lives.

I hope reading this will assist you in a better understanding of the child’s mind and the importance of working together with the foster child’s social worker in the development structure for their future.

With Regards,

Brett J Hutton